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It's been a while, last semester I did not have a second to breathe.



I graduated about a month and half ago, and it still hasn’t hit me yet. I kinda feel like I am stuck in the waiting room, my wants and dreams down a long hallway behind a locked door and I’m just sitting here picking my nose.

I have had big feelings blooming in my chest. Sometimes, it is exhilarating and sweet but most of the time it just bugs me. My words and nerves always get in the way of my feelings, so I end up sitting quietly and staring at the ground.

I struggle with eye contact sometimes, I find it really intimate. I wasn’t always this bad at looking people in the eyes, but I can’t balance between staring and not facing someone very well. My meds work better some days than others, and I can work up the courage to be normal.

It’s vulnerable, like I am baring my soul to someone. Like we are reading each other’s minds almost. Sometimes I get so lost in it that I can’t pay attention to anything said. Some hopeless romantic bullshit I guess.

Overall, things have been good. I have a job, I am happy most days, but there is such an intense wanting gnawing at my stomach. It’s good to want things though. It means I’m alive and healing and growing.

Mostly I am just scared want transforming into hurt again. I keep falling flat on my face; I try to find a silver lining in the stories it leaves me with. I have noticed that even with massive disappointments I still build myself a mountain of hope. Some of my friends have poked fun at me/criticized me for this, and for a time I tried to quell this part of me. I can’t.

Maybe it’s some permanent naivety, but it makes life so much more exciting to believe in the grandiose. You really gotta sell it to yourself to make it happen. -



Here’s a few songs/albumI have had on repeat lately:


Box for Buddy, Box for Star - This is Lorelei

This whole album is perfect to find a year out from a divorce and a six month long humiliationship.

Waiting for You to Come Home - Graham Hunt

I swear to god this guy has a camera in my brain or something. I feel likely his lyrics really speak to the neurotic aspects of my personality that seeps through into mundane tasks. Pulling the door handle too early every damn time, brushing my teeth too hard, clenching my jaw until my gums recede. It’s the subtle ways that anxiety and compulsions leak into the lyrics that captivate me. Things that are benign from the outside, something only you or someone close to you could notice.

I find comfort in Graham Hunt’s music. It’s overlooked how isolating ADHD and OCD can be, and to hear what I am thinking/doing so plainly stated gives me a sense of solace. I am not completely alone and crazy.
ALSO I AM SICK OF THE MOPED DOORDASH DRIVERS I AM ALMOST TAKEN OUT BY ONE EVERY DAY. FUCK OFF!

Sucker’s Prayer - The Decemberists

“I wanna love somebody but I don’t know how”
Yea.

Ground - Wallows

I am learning this on guitar. I have also am trying to teach myself to sing, and I feel like this is in my range enough to begin. I can’t believe this song is 8 years old, I remember when it came out in high school.




Thanks for catching up. Hopefully I can be a little more consistent. No promises though.
Bye!
Cash