This break has been incredibly lonely, but I guess it’s lonely every year. I think things are just super heavy right now, and I’m searching for connection but everyone seems to be at home or sick right now.
I’ve been super sick the past week so I haven’t seen anyone which is exasperating my loneliness. I have such a high social battery that is hard to keep replenished. Once I start seeing people again I think the pit in my chest will go away.
While I was sick, my friends Janet and Sam surprised me with American chop suey. They walked all the way to my apartment and hand delivered it me, and it was just such a nice gesture. When I spend a lot of time alone, I question my value to others constantly and send myself into a toxic feedback loop. But this just shows that I am wrong, and I really don’t have a grasp on how much people really do love and care about me. It was something I really needed.
I hope I can remember that this semester more than I did last. It’s crazy how a few events can shift your whole psyche in the wrong direction. I’m going to continue to be around people that value me.
I am nervous for the semester to begin. My sleep schedule is absolutely wrecked, I keep going to sleep at 4 am and I just like can’t help myself. Blegh. Let’s hope I can fix it in the next 48 hours.
Ok bye now
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Cash