Finals are kicking my ass right now, more than usual. I’m so exhausted, lonely, and stressed out. Honestly, this semester has been quite lonely in general. Everyone is busy and things have been tense lately. Last semester, I spent every other day with my friends even if we were exhausted. I miss it, but things are so weird right now. I just hope it goes back to normal soon.

I feel like my senior year is going to waste due to all this grief and anxiety. I really am trying to manage it and get better but there is a comical amount of bullshit being thrown at me. I have a hard time talking to people about it because everyone has their own shit to deal with, everyone is busy. This semester is extra difficult because this is my first holiday season in five years without a partner, so the loneliness is hitting extra hard. Third wheeling stings a bit more than usual (especially after the pseudo humiliationship) It’s the first time in my life where all my friends are in relationships except for me, and it fucking drives me nuts. It’s stupid but it’s like nobody has time for me anymore, and I can’t really blame them for it. It sucks.

I’m trying hard to fight back against the social anxiety and hurt but I am extra guarded lately. I don’t want to be, but I’m grieving so much right now and I find it embarrassing. I feel like I’ve beat this dead horse too many times that I can’t really say much more other than I’m hurting.

I miss having a shoulder to cry on. I miss the depth. I miss being able to show a version of myself that I lost when the relationship ended. I got my hopes up, and now I have reopened the wound.

Not gonna lie, I am a bit proud of myself. I have let myself feel the pain of being alone. I didn’t string anyone along or rebound to soothe myself. As much as I crave affection, I am staving it off because I want to be responsible with my feelings. I know first hand how hurtful it is to be played.

I am still searching for joy in the little things. I’ve been watching a lot of comedy lately, and it’s helping to light things up a bit. Also paramore and fall out boy sound soooo good after all this bs. I know things will get better eventually, and I know that things come in phases. Hopefully I’ll have something more positive to blog about soon.

Talk to you later,



Cash