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Merry Christmas. I hope the holidays are treating you well. This time of year is always bittersweet for me, kinda like birthdays. Especially this year, I am being confronted with discomfort and loneliness.
Whenever I go home, I am drenched in social anxiety and loneliness. I begin to wonder if people even really like me or just pity me and let me hang around. I feel like I’m always being left out from some secret that I end up finding out about later. I wonder what I am doing wrong that keeps people leaving me out of things.
Maybe I care too much or I am too sensitive… I don’t really know. Or maybe it isn’t personal or it’s just forgetfulness. I continue to give the benefit of the doubt; I do not want to assume every action is opportunistic or malicious, but I am not sure where this is getting me anymore. All I want is things to go back to normal. I wish someone could tell me what is wrong with me. (Fishing fishing fishing) Sometimes I feel like moldy leftovers sitting in a fridge. Nobody wants to take it out in hopes someone else will do it, and eventually someone just throws the whole container away instead of washing it out. Bleh.

I still have hope despite how tumultuous this semester has been. I feel like all this suffering has to be for something, right? There has to be a reason for all these lessons and all this pain. I have to see the silver lining in everything, it has to be here somewhere. Bleu cheese is a yummy mold I guess.

I am trying to find joys in the little things.

I can always fallback on my hometown friends when the city gets too venomous. I am super grateful for them, I would not be alive without them.

Music and movies are so magical when life is hard. It hits a little better

It’s a White Christmas this year.

I truly believe things will work out somehow. I have to keep pushing on.

2026 have mercy on me. I will try to give a more upbeat update before the New Year.
Santaaaaa!!!!!