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This year has been one of the most tumultuous years I’ve had in a while. To be honest, the past 5 years have been quite rough for me. Maybe that’s just what it’s like being an adult, or it’s the sociopolitical state of the world, or just like a crazy series of events that have happened. I know your early 20s is when mental illness really kicks in, and unfortunately has been true for me. Although things have been shit, I’ll say that my mental health baseline is better than it was even a year ago which is good I guess. I’m a bit worried because I feel myself slipping again, and a large chunk of it is out of my control. Being in a position where I’ve done all I can do, and I have to wait and see what happens drives me up a wall. People around me are getting sick and dying. I’m being continually let down by people I trust. I’ve been quite insecure and dysphoric. Nobody really knows what to say to me or how to handle it. I can’t blame them because I don’t know either. I’m in a waiting period, a terrible purgatory for the past year.
Historically, I have had a hard time telling people when I’m struggling. I’ve been taught to hide my emotions and to never put it onto others. And that shit leads to terrible self regulation. I bottle it up, and something small seemingly meaningless thing sets it off, usually when I’m alone. This is a problem I have not fully solved, as sometimes I don’t even realize something is bothering me until a lot later. This also has fed into my people pleasing/fawning tendencies. This year is the first time I’ve made a conscious effort into breaking these habits. I’m not perfect though.
Trying to tell people when they have offended or upset me is super difficult. I hate confrontation, but who fucking does. But I’ve realized in order to be a good person or to grow you have to let people know when they’ve hurt you. Even if you think it should be obvious, people are not mind readers. (It does get to a point though like, obviously this doesn’t apply all the time).
I’m also an incredibly forgiving person, and some people read that as naive.
I don’t think true forgiveness is a weakness, even if it leads to getting hurt multiple times. People make mistakes, and sometimes they make them over and over again. But I truly believe in the human power of adaptation and change. It’s something that takes patience that not everyone can afford. I do this in a hope to help others, and to be returned some grace when I do something wrong. We are so quick to give any action the worst possible read, and Ive been guilty of doing that too. Everyone has reasons to act the way that they do.
This I have to balance with having a fucking backbone though. Forgiveness doesn’t work without genuine effort. Forgiveness isn’t a one and done action, but the beginning of a path. I do have a lot more to say about this, but I think I’ll save it for another time.
As much as I’m trying to prevent a huge crash out, the stress is still manifesting. I’m losing weight. I’m having crazy night terrors where I clench my jaw and scratch myself into sleep. Literally woke up the other day and you’d think it was damn poltergeist situation. These things are a lot harder to control because they are subconscious, like mindlessly chewing the inside of my cheek until it bleeds, or pulling my hair. Or picking my face raw. I’m kinda embarrassed putting that out there, but it’s real. I’m not searching for sympathy or panic, it’s just real.
I’m taking action to best mitigate this awful time, but sometimes there is only so much you can do. I hope that people can be patient with me for a little while. I hope I’m still tolerable to be around. Even if I go a little crazy.


I am so grateful for my friends. They are genuinely the most important thing in my life. I fear that with my attempts at assertiveness alongside my struggles that I’m losing a some that I really care for. I hope things will come back around.
Sometimes all you can do is hope.